Manager: J Crewe
Assistant Manager: A Kirby
S Cockerill
Age: Mid 50's
Nickname: Not Again!
Position: Apparently Striker
A Radcliffe Olympic Sunday stalwart, his deceptively slow pace has been a menace to EMPAL defences (notably our own) for the past 40yrs. His ability to blunder chances upon the goal line has made many a match a much more close and exiting encounter. Recent misses have led to pressure being mounted on managers, messers Crewe and Green to move Cockerill into a more defensive/linesman role.
J Crewe
Age: 22
Nickname: Moo, Sheephead, Pube Boy, Mr Candyfloss.
Position: Right Back, Utility Player.
On his day Crewe is a Loud, tidy, confident player although sometimes annoyingly happy, positive and always takes time during matches to make sure to single out Wiggy for abuse. During pre match tactics his famous ‘manvers camp voice’, first heard in the Balti house when 16, can be heard inspiring the team just like Alf Ramsey. Crewe never feels satisfies until he has abused Wiggy at least 10 times in a match.
T Cutler
Age: 23
Quarried, as opposed to being conceived and born in the normal human way. Hard tackling, fierce belching centre half who is comfortable on the ball and swearing in posh, snooty pubs like the Ferry Boat. Hoped to shed a few pounds during a recent bout of pneumonia but was sadly disappointed.
S Green
Age: 23
Position: Right/Left Midfield.
Nickname: Wiggy.
Wiggy has suffered from several vocal bans this season, which saves the team from embarrassment. But sometimes he breaches this by shouting things like "Bloody Hell" or " That was a excellent pass". He is a pacey winger who loves to run at the opposition with the ball. He supplies valuable crosses into the box for the goal poachers. Once he left suspicious evidence in his football bag that he likes to cross-dress in his girlfriends clothes by leaving in there a black stiletto. All round Stuart is a jolly good chap on and off the pitch. But he needs your help he has lost his "Shooting Boots" they have been missing now for at least 3 years if any body finds them please contact Radcliffe Olympic.
L Kirton
Age: 19
Previous Clubs: Cotgrave, Ruddington, ASC Dayncourt.
Year Signed: 2003
Position: Winger
Team Supported: West Ham
N Matthews
Age: Don't ask (last count was 87)
Position: The Stratford Arms preferably but Midfield anchor man if persueded.
Nicknames: Mr Matthews, Sir.
Club Supported: Nottingham Forest.
Neil is currently on a 12 month rolling contract with his alter ego "Rocket Man" which amazingly has been renewed after long negotiations with Messrs Cockerill and Green over previous years, usually involving gifts and bribery to the long suffering Jo. Neil really is an EMPAL legend in his own classroom and has provided us with many a highlight on a Sunday morning including his "Rocket Man" wind assisted goal (that was what the paper said anyway), the celebration that ensued (involving an imaginary walking stick) but most highlights have come on a Christmas Drinks night out in town keeping an astonishing pace that startled Coaker on his initiation. Other highlights include the quote "What do you mean you don't serve real beer?!?!", the annual weigh in which he wins every time now Chocky has left, his introduction to Sam's curry house and the infamous "Torn Anus" incident, and the recurring nightmare that Pete Worral scored an overhead kick to win a cup match 2 years ago. It really did happen.................But most of all, Neil brings the humour and if this really is his last year he will be sadly missed (£10 says it won't be though!!)
J Spence
Age: 19
Nicknames: Ken, Spenno, The Cat.
Position: Striker, Goalkeeper, Utility.
Born 19 years ago, well when he eventually turned up, Spence sat proudly in the arms of his ravishing mother Mrs Spence, brother to angler and failed policeman David Spence was brought up on rural farm 10 yards from the A52. Cockerills and Newts were James’ early childhood friends. James practiced hard at playing the game he loved but was told he would never make it at netball and then resorted to football, two broken legs and enough goals for a lifetime has established Spence on the field as a crisp finisher and also when duty calls a superb goal keeper.
S Story
Age: Difficult to tell.
Position: Striker.
At first sight you may be forgiven for visualising Sam on nightclub door duty rather than sprinting around a sunday morning football pitch in a pair of tight fitting shorts. However his build belies Sam's array of silky skills and deft touches (when he finally catches up with the ball) and he is currently pushing our more senior (citizen) target man for a starting place. Some might say Sam could improve on his general fitness and conditioning although the author accepts no responsibility for these viewpoints.
D Zablocki
Age: Young.
Position: Left Wing/Left Back/Central Midfield.
Nicknames: Zibby.
Weakness: Excessively Rosy Cheeks.
Probably the most fouled player in EMPAL, Zibby's tenacity and refusal to go down when being hacked at by less skillfull opponents has been a constant source of frustration to opposing sunday morning players for the past couple of seasons. His pace and close control regularly enable Zibby to work himself into excellent scoring positions and his team mates feel sure that he will eventually add the ability to hit the target to his list of strengths. Aside from football, Zibby can currently be seen starring in one of the FRANK (anti drugs) adverts (the one where he is in the kitchen with his mum and calls in a SWAT team to apprehend her).
M Coaker - To Come Soon
D Crewe - To Come Soon
D Gibson - To Come Soon
A Kirby -To Come Soon
M Walton - To Come Soon
J Perry - To Come Soon
M Scott - To Come Soon
M Ward - To Come Soon
R Dunn - To Come Soon
R Nickels - To Come Soon
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